Best of Life

I haven't been very diligent at maintaining my journal here. Sorry. This last weekend was pretty crazy, like most of the Christmas season. Christmas day was nice. I didn't go to church, but my dad, brother and sister went. They came home late, but as is traditional in our family, after they came back, we all had a sandwich, some coffee with Irish cream, and sat around the tree to open our gifts to each other. I gave my brother a great book of photographs from Life magazine. It's the best of its kind, appropriately named The Best of Life -- and it was printed in 1973, now out of print. (I got him a good used copy). He really liked it. In the same vein, I found a hardcover version of Norman Mailer's The Naked and The Dead -- a great war classic. She likes military stuff. I got dad a shirt, and my mom some dinnerware and highbrow soap.

Then the usual Turkey dinner. We had a Russian couple with their two girls over for dinner. They are fairly new immigrants and have no real friends or family to speak of here in Canada. They had a good time.

I'm still having a bit of a crisis regarding the coming semester, whether I should do my honors in English or not, whether it is a waste of time or not, whether I should do my Masters in English or in Creative Writing, whether I should just give up this teaching thing and write fiction full-time, assuming of course that I can write full-time. I phoned Devo for his advice. He was kind. Do the honors. Just not Tristram Shandy. Robinson Crusoe and Tournier's Friday maybe.

Tomorrow I'm going to the states to Hendersons the book store. Then I'm supposed to go to the movie "Man on the Moon". Busy day

Christmas

I wish/pray all of you have a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year (drive safely).

Today I did basically nothing. It's extremely foggy outside and has been for a couple of days. 100 percent humidity.

No plans for tonight. Last night we watched "Notting Hill" with Julia Roberts. It was quite funny, I love that understated British humor. The "Time-Life" photograph book I ordered for my brother came in today. My sister is supposed to get it from the post office. We'll see, she's typically running around like a beheaded chicken.

Mall Christmas

Christmas stresses people out. Relax. Look at the mall as the hilarious thing it is. Humanity in a fishbowl. Relax while driving. Half the stress of shopping is the drive. Just take your time. Shop remembering that these are gifts, not symbols of how much you love them, or representations of your perception of their identity. There are just stuff. When going to the mall or stores, wear something warm and eat something before you go. Do not eat there, it's such a waste of time, and it will probably make you sick. Say "Merry Christmas" to as many strangers as possible, especially store workers. Their smiles will help lift stress. But above all relax.

Impressions

The entry for today was erased just three minutes ago when my computer seized. I hate that when that happens. Anyway, I talked about how Earl invited me to go to his church tomorrow. I was a little self-conscious because I would have to meet friends of friends and giving first impressions scares me a little. I don't think I leave the best first impression, maybe I do. I know I hate pressure of any kind. Crowds are the embodiment of pressure for me, and Earl's church is huge apparently. Anyway, he called and it's canceled.

Rob R and I went to my university's library today for a couple of hours. I took several books out, and he didn't take any. I think he's never been in such a huge library before and it overwhelmed him a little. Next time I go I'll take him again, and maybe I'll get him to choose a topic beforehand.

Tonight's kind of a waste. Watching hockey. On-line. Reading a book called On Moral Fiction by John Gardner. Quite good.

Family Matters

Sitting here at the end of another day in the life of youknowwho, I look back once again on the day that has passed by, and I interpret it for this journal: what was important today, what deserves mention, what do I remember about today, etc.

My sister was supposed to come by and we were going to go to the mall shopping, all of which did happen but later than I thought and quicker than I thought. She came over later in the morning, and had to work this afternoon. Nevertheless, I managed to get some token gifts for my parents and brother. My sister and mother cannot stand each other. I'm not exactly why, but it's probably got something to do with my sister's age of 22 -- I've observed the twenties can be a time of strife between parents and children/young adults/adults because they (the latter) are just that: semi children semi adults, trying to forge their own identity which seems to come at the expense of the respect and admiration of their parents. My brother was terrible in his twenties, and as he is 29, he continues to exhibit a now milder form of rebellion: absence of communication.

I came home from shopping and researched a little for my honors essay next semester, the book I retrieved from the library "Desire and Truth" is a little disappointing in its rather non-theoretical approach to the eighteenth century novel. Then after dad came home, we had spaghetti and watched "Wall Street Week" and then I came here to do a little surfing. Wow, excitement.

Family life around this house is generally bad this Christmas season. Example: a couple of days ago the Christmas tree (put up incorrectly by dad, which is no surprise) fell down and my mother struggled to put it up properly to know avail, and to great frustration. Dad played with it and now it is propped up against the wall hideously. It's shameful, at least to me.

Light Please

I am feeling better today, though still a little sick. It was a so-so Wednesday. It's been raining for weeks straight, a couple of days ago the sun appeared briefly -- I can't wait for the spring. I'm one of those people who need light, color, and warmth only sunshine can provide, maybe I'm addicted to radiation.

I'm trying to finish The Ogre -- nearly there, read quite a lot today.

Is happiness enough? I mean, is it enough to be happy?

Is wisdom directly proportionate to sorrow? Is sorrow an integral part of wisdom? Knowledge? Are those two synonymous? Can an artist really do anything worthwhile (by worthwhile, I mean monumental art that mirrors the world, Ulysses or War and Peace) if they do not hold some strong belief in something? In Art. In humanity. In God. In original sin. In existential existence. In science. In love. In women. In death. In something that provides a core for their work.

I Love Beauty

I went to school today. It wasn't really a class, more like a farewell get-together and an opportunity for professor Bob to ask us about the class, what we thought about the readings, about the assignments, about the class structure, etc., and we had our papers and journals returned, with grades. I received an A+ on my paper and an A on my journal. Unless the wheels fall off on the final, which has happened to me before, I should get a solid A.

Going to class was kind of strange. I saw Tam and Charles, among others who I consider friends. Saying goodbye always hurts. I was watching the movie El Postino tonight and started crying when the postman says goodbye to Neruda after slowly forging a friendship. I couldn't help wondering is this how everything ends always forever -- with loss, death? How sad it is. When I look at an eye dilating breathing light and feel the swell of tears build and overflow at such awesome beauty -- how can such a consciousness simply come from nowhere and go nowhere, how can such a consciousness evolve out of an animal's mind in, what, twenty or thirty thousand years? God, I love beauty.

I came home with Neil feeling sick. I'm still not a hundred percent. Maybe it's my bladder because it hurts when I go. Ba today.

My brother Jake came by today. I haven't seen him for quite some time. Sometimes he works out of town, which explains why he doesn't come around much. But he has been around, working in town. For a reason only he knows, he seems to try to distance himself from his family as much as possible. While he was over, my dad came home from celebrating with his friends, and since he was in such a good mood (drunk) he put on some music, singing and dancing, plus the dog kept barking at the antics of both Jake and dad -- there was so much noise I literally couldn't stand it. Craziness drives me crazy, maybe I'm getting old.